evening talk

(align: "=><===")[<img src="https://img.freepik.com/free-photo/close-up-friends-holding-beer-bottles-wooden-table_23-2147919144.jpg?size=626&ext=jpg">] (align: "=><=")[ DONGHYUCK and DONGYOUNG are sitting across each other on the balcony. Between them stands a small table. They are each nursing a bottle of beer, periodically chatting about nothing in particular. They had just finished commenting on the sunset they’re watching. [[Begin]] ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class="box">Ah, this is the right kind of mood.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">For what?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class="box">A good chat. Actually, there’s a lot…my mind is kind of filled with thoughts. It’s kind of…</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">What is it?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class="box">Just a lot. Somehow I feel like you would understand if I talked to you about it.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">[[Tell me about it then.]]</div> ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class="box">I was thinking about what you said before…</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">What?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class="box">That it’s been four years. We’ve learned a lot of things, of course. From technical skills like singing, to social skills like how to be entertaining on camera, to different mindsets about the career in general.</div> DONGYOUNG nods. DONGHYUCK laughs, runs a hand through his hair. DONGHYUCK <div class="box">For a while I thought I’d really reached my peak, do you remember?</div> DONGYOUNG nods again. DONGYOUNG <div class="box">What do you think now?</div> DONGHYUCK scoffs. DONGHYUCK <div class="box">If that was my peak? That’s juvenile. If I already peaked then why am I still alive? That’s what I think. I think it’s a very…teenager way of thinking. To think we’re capable of reaching any kind of peak when we know so little, to overestimate ourselves and [[underestimate ourselves at the same time.]]</div> ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class="box">I used to think my voice used to sound better when I was a child. People always told me I was gifted with a unique voice, and I took pride in that. As if singing is about voice more than it is about skill and hard work.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">That’s what I tried to tell you!</div> DONGHYUCK <div class="box">Yeah, it is. You kept emphasizing it, the need to work hard, and I felt like it was directed at me but I didn’t know for sure.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">Don’t get me wrong, Donghyuck, I didn’t mean to fight with you so often over that, its just…I was frustrated watching you, because I knew it would only lead you to unhappiness, to a really unproductive state. How can you be happy when you believe your worth is dictated by genetics, more than it is by your own hands and your own power? If you believed what you’re born with is more valuable than what you can achieve, then what motivation do you have to drive you on? I was frustrated because I knew that the sooner you opened your eyes, the sooner you’d become happier again, and see the worth in choosing this career for yourself.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class="box">Ah…really? I didn’t know you had that kind of intention, hyung.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">Well, not that it didn’t irk me personally, seeing you treat everything with nonchalance, as if you’d just somehow ended up here without having to put in any effort. It felt…not ‘unfair’, but. It just didn’t sit well.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class="box">It really didn’t feel like I put in much effort, though. Singing was fun because it was easy for a long time. But I shouldn’t have just enjoyed my life easily without commitment, that’s not the attitude to have for someone who just debuted.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">Yeah. Plus, the standards for a 15 year old and the standards for a 20 year old are different. It could be enough to just have fun back then, but now…</div> DONGHYUCK <div class="box">Yeah, I realize that now. After debut, for a while, singing wasn’t as fun, because it wasn’t so easy anymore.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class="box">Nothing is easy. Even the most talented person has more to learn. If it were all easy, [[wouldn’t life be so boring?]]</div> ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK sits up. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Sometimes…sometimes, I feel like life just carried me to where I am now, that I’ve just ended up here because of decisions I made in the past when I was younger, decisions that felt natural and were easy to make at the time. But now it feels like I’m just living in the aftermath of these decisions. Do you ever feel like that? Like you could have gone to college, gotten a degree in arts or science or whatever it is you want, except you chose at some point in the past, and now you’re a celebrity forever.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>It’s not forever, though. I want to go to university at some point, too. Singing has always been my dream, so everyday it feels like I am where I want to be, but I can see why you would feel that way, too. I think a lot of people start to feel lost when they follow their childhood talents, only to grow up and realize they’re here because they’ve never considered doing anything else, because their talent was so obvious and in the way.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>That’s exactly right.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>But it can go both ways, can’t it? When you realize, “oh, my life is not as much of a choice as I think it is”. You can free yourself by making a decision to do something else, or you can decide to continue what it is you’ve started by finding new meaning in it. Right now, are you doubting it? The decision you made in the past?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Not doubting. No, I just have to find different reasons now for myself to continue.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>That’s fine, isn’t it? To make happiness out of whatever situation you’re in. And I don’t think it’s a bad situation at all. I think there are many wonderful things about this career.</div> DONGHYUCK nods gravely. [[He takes a swig of his beer.]] ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I’ve been thinking I want to be a more genuine me on camera. </div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Oh? What makes you think that now? Did you not want that before?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Well, I didn’t care as much before. I thought, “people think Haechan is funny, people think he’s entertaining”, and being able to be that felt good, it felt enough. It felt like I was doing my part as an idol. But I think I want to be liked for more than that now. The images I’m associated with feel really one dimensional sometimes. I’m not a child forever, I want people to see the ways I’ve changed, too. Because I worked hard for it.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>I see. It’s definitely not easy to do that. To show your genuine self when people see you as...just a facet of the real you.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I don’t know, for some people it’s easier.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>What is?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Showing themselves. All of them. The lines between their public and private lives are blurry, if there is a line at all.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>You think so? Like who?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I don’t know…Chenle? I don’t think he calculates much about who to be on camera, he can just…be. He shows all of himself and doesn’t hold back. Mark hyung, too. I know he tries, he’s more aware of his image and he tries, but I don’t think he’s capable of being anything but himself sometimes. There’s an innocence to it, but I’m not that kind of innocent.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Donghyuck, you’re…a very aware person. You’re a person who picks up cues and thinks more than you let on. Rather than saying you’re not innocent, you should think of yourself as being more considerate.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>You could say that, I guess.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>At the forefront you have Haechan, but inside you’re Donghyuck. It’s like me. I have Doyoung, he’s important to me, but I’m Dongyoung after all.</div> [DONGHYUCK nods.] DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I’m not entirely comfortable with showing Donghyuck, but I think I want to try.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>[[What’s uncomfortable about it?]]</div> ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Like…he’s just different. Different from what people might expect. Quiet. And kind of boring.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>It’s fine to be like that. It’s fine to not be making people laugh or entertained all the time.</div> DONGHYUCK gnaws on his lip. DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Donghyuck…you are really playful. We all know you can joke and be fun. But I think more people would think you’re really cool if you show them what it’s like for you to get serious. And I think…this is just what I prefer, and what kind of image you prefer is entirely up to you, but I think if you’re capable of showing people that you’re boring, then you’ve successfully established yourself as a human.</div> DONGHYUCK chuckles. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I almost feel like people expect me to still be the noisy kid I was before. People expect me to be funny, that’s the image they have of me.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Do you feel burdened?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>No, it’s not that. I’m just changing. I can still do it, I can still be rowdy. It’s a good skill to have as an entertainer and I’m grateful that it comes to me somewhat naturally. I mean, I’m just me. When you guys are around and I interact with you, it’s easy enough being myself, I just happen to be doing it on camera. But being funny, it’s not so important to me anymore. There are things I can do, like this, and many other things I can’t do that I need to work on, and what I can do doesn’t make up for what I can’t. I want people to see me doing well in things I can’t normally do.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Of course. A lot of childhood talents start to matter less when you realize how much farther hard work can take you. I’m glad you see that now. That deserves respect. And a toast.</div> [[They toast.]] ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I think…I want to work hard.</div> DONGHYUCK pauses, looking off into the distance. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I look at Taeyong hyung and Mark hyung and I think, damn, they are working so hard. I want to be able to do that. I want to do things with purpose and intent. We only have one life, we only have so much time in the spotlight, after all.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Then show that, Donghyuck. Push yourself. Care. Every time we film something competitive I’m always pushing myself. Even if we’re doing unrelated things like sports—like archery—I’ll practice, if we’re filming a show and there’s a quiz at the end then I’ll memorize every last detail. I’m exerting myself not because I care so much about winning or don’t want to lose but because I want people to see me as a person who takes things seriously.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>That’s really different from…my character.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Why?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Haechan is someone who’s gifted, who doesn’t have to try hard to succeed or win at anything because he’s clever.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>But are you happy like that? Are you content to be seen as someone like that?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>No, not anymore. Because it’s not realistic. I don’t want people to see me and admire me like some ideal out of reach, like they’ll never be able to catch up to me no matter how hard they work. I’ve seen people surpass me, and it’s chilling. It’s humbling. Besides, to say that I’ve achieved everything so far through talent is underestimating myself and belittling all the effort I’ve actually put in. I want to be liked for that reason.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>You’ve learned to work hard, I think all of us hyungs can see the difference.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Nice.</div> [[They drink.]] ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Hyung, what’s your stance on maintaining your public image?</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>I think…it’s something important to me. Like, for a long time I also thought I had to really watch myself, that knowing how to act is important, and I’d do it to the point where it was unnatural. Nowadays I just want to be myself, it’s not the time to worry about the should’s anymore. I want to show my genuine self, too. </div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>It’s hard to avoid the should’s. Like when there are things like scripts.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Of course there are still things that we should do, we have to do. We can’t escape certain things, certain ways of behaving. But just because we’re forced to act in certain ways sometimes doesn’t mean we have to detest it. Because it’s not like they are anything bad or harmful to us. We can want to do these things for ourselves too, we can make them into our own standards. We can believe the things we are made to say and say them because we believe them, too. At this point you must understand.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I do, I get it.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>But what I mean is, when it’s outside of that, when we’re on camera with freedom, isn’t it okay to let yourself be? There’s no need to manage yourself as if someone is judging all the time.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>So you’re freeing yourself? Caring less about your image?</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>No, I still care. Being free is a decision about my image, too. I want to be myself because I care a lot. I care because I want to be a role model to our fans. I used to think the persona I show is all that matters, but nowadays I think it’s important to show both your public image and your private person, because it’s important to me that I’m showing people a multifaceted human. That’s what an idol is to me. I have a public life and a private life, I want people to be able to see that. Neither of them are fake in any way. Just different.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I know. I know what you mean.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Yeah. So, I don’t care about my image any less. I just care less about what others want me to be like and care more about what I want my own image to be like. It’s not so bad, because sometimes these expectations overlap, too. When they don’t, I’ll follow what I believe and prove to others that I’m able to pull it off, I’ll show them that it’s the better idea.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Hm, I see. How do you choose what persona to show to the world?</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>I just…kind of…it depends on the situation, right? We have to show different sides of ourselves in different situations. Most of the time I want to be a positive force for our fans. I want to be positive and cheer them on, give them confidence in themselves, teach them how to find lasting happiness. Taeyongie and I talk about this a lot, and lately he’s been trying to deliver this message in his own way. For me, the best thing to do is to be the best version of myself on camera and lead by example. Isn’t this the best way to be an idol, isn’t that what it means to be a celebrity? </div> DONGHYUCK nods slowly, with a hint of hesitance. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Doesn’t that get…I don’t know. Exhausting? To only and always show positivity...hyung, you’re a very optimistic person, and Taeil hyung is, too, but as for me, I’m not…</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>No, no, I don’t mean it as in that’s the only image you should give, because that’s not realistic either. It’s just trying your best to contribute positivity when you can. Of course there are times I feel negative emotions too, I feel doubt, I feel exhaustion, but these aren’t things I have to show the camera, because it worries people and I have to be mindful of that. But I do think it’s okay to show them too sometimes, when it’s important to do so, because we’re human after all. We’re not perfect, I don’t want anyone to think I am.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>That’s what I think too. I want to show myself shining as Haechan, but I want to show the Donghyuck stripped bare with no makeup on, too. I want to show myself being alone, doing nothing, but I’m…kind of afraid I’ll be boring, haha.</div> DONGYOUNG shakes his head. He takes a drink. DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>It’s always worth it more to just be yourself.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I know. I have to slowly let go of these expectations.</div> [[They sit in silence for a while.]] ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I think I’m not especially extroverted or introverted.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Me too, me too.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>But honestly speaking, I think I’m not really a natural entertainer. Maybe when I was younger, but not anymore. Like, Mark hyung tells me about Baekhyun hyung, says he’s so funny he can’t help but cheer up, gain more energy. He says he’s able to lift up the mood and joke about anything to anyone. When I hear about him I think, “wow, life of the party.” I can easily joke around a lot with people I’m comfortable with, that comes naturally to me, but I can’t do it with everyone. When I’m on camera, sometimes I have to try to be funny. I’ve said this before, but Haechan is naughty and loud, and Donghyuck is quieter and more gentle. I don’t know how to show that very well.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>I see…</div> DONGYOUNG takes some time to think. DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>You know, when we had to shoot our relay cam, when we first heard the news I thought to myself, this is a chance, I’m taking the instructions literally, I really have to show my true self. I don’t care if I’m boring, I don’t care if I don’t talk, it’s just what I’m doing at this time of day, I’m not going to make an effort to pretend it’s more interesting than it is. </div> DONGHYUCK raises his brows. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I couldn’t. Honestly I didn’t want to be on my own, I couldn’t think of anything to do. I felt like I needed to interact with someone, or there will just be hours of footage of nothing.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Just do nothing. Don’t need to be so camera conscious.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Hyung, you just did nothing for an hour and a half. I thought to myself, “amazing”. This is real.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>You know how at some point I said, “I’ll go back to bed and wake up in 20 minutes”, or something, and then I lied there wide awake for two minutes, didn’t even try to close my eyes and then got up again? I debated so hard during that time. Because what am I supposed to do at 4 in the morning? I seriously just wanted to sleep, but that won’t do. It’s honestly…if I did anything but sleep it becomes not realistic. I thought it was stupid to pretend I usually do anything at this time, so I just watched Netflix until it was over.</div> DONGHYUCK claps in awe. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I wouldn’t be able to. If I had your time slot I would do anything. I’d throw a party to keep myself awake.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Taeyongie and I talk about this a lot. How there’s no right way to be an idol. There’s no manual telling you how to behave. We’re not just rookies who just debuted anymore, our managers don’t tell us how to act or what to say so much anymore, we don’t get told to do skinship anymore, when we do these things it’s just natural, it’s because we want to. But I get the feeling you’re still listening to the instructions of an authority that exists in your head. I don’t think you have to worry so much about getting in trouble. What can the company do to you? They can’t kick you out.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Wow, Renjun tells me the same thing. “They can’t do anything to you because the fans are always on your side”, he says. That we have more power to decide than we think, that we don’t have to pretend so much.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>He’s right, you know. It’s that point in our careers where [[we decide who we are.]]</div> ]

(align: "=><===")[DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>The transition is definitely affecting me. It’s like we’re herded for years and all of a sudden we’re set free.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Isn’t it a good thing? Isn’t it finally time?</div> DONGHYUCK scratches his head. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>It is, but I don’t know how to use it yet.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>It’ll take time, Donghyuck-ah. </div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Slowly.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Yeah, slowly.</div> They both pause, steeped in their own thoughts. DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>I’m glad you’re changing. I’m glad you’re growing up.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Of course. Honestly, I’m glad too.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Come talk to me more. We have more in common than you think.</div> DONGHYUCK chuckles. DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>I know. Sometimes…</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>What?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Nevermind. Thanks for talking with me, hyung.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Any time. Did it help you at all?</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Yeah, it did.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Let’s do our best together.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>For sure.</div> [[They toast, and down the last of their beers.]] ]

(align: "=><===")[The door to the balcony opens. TAEYONG comes out carrying wet laundry for the clothesline. He surveys the setup and raises an eyebrow. TAEYONG <div class='box'>What is this?</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>Nothing. Donghyuck and I are talking about life. </div> TAEYONG <div class='box'>Hmm.</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>What are you here for?</div> TAEYONG <div class='box'>Isn’t it obvious?</div> DONGYOUNG doesn’t grace him with a response. TAEYONG walks past them to start pinning his clothes on the lines. TAEYONG <div class='box'>By the way, our aunty says dinner is ready. She told me to call you guys in.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Oh, good timing. We just finished.</div> TAEYONG shakes his head. TAEYONG <div class='box'>You think I’d interrupt? Food’s already cold.</div> DONGHYUCK <div class='box'>Aw, thanks, hyung. I’m not gonna wait, then. Catch you guys later.</div> DONGYOUNG follows DONGHYUCK. By the door, TAEYONG pats his arm. TAEYONG <div class='box'>Good talk?</div> DONGYOUNG smiles wide. Something akin to determination flickers in his eyes. DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>We can do it, you know?</div> TAEYONG <div class='box'>What?</div> DONGYOUNG <div class='box'>All of it. All our hopes and dreams. We can do it all as a team. We’ll get there.</div> TAEYONG laughs. TAEYONG <div class='box'>Of course we can.</div> the end [[Credits]] [[Replay?->start]] ]

(align: "=><=")[<img src="https://66.media.tumblr.com/6a3f9a8883eb8a1322060663a5cdcd99/4f69fde9553f0c0b-b4/s400x600/284033dd55959a57ca5408622cf281fe0dd83698.png"> inspired by egg's request, her love for haechan, my love for doyoung, and our mutual love and need for more dohyuck intellectual discussions after watching <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9u6aQE8IWpk">this</a>. <b>Story and game by olive</b> <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/snapspark">AO3</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/yongpoetry">Twitter</a> <a href="https://dotaefever.neocities.org/">Other games</a> [[Replay?->start]] ]

(align: "==><===")[<img src="https://i.pinimg.com/474x/30/9d/43/309d435b34ef97e38c4e6f4ef7609f59.jpg">] (align: "=><=")[ <b>[[evening talk->start2]]</b> by olive]